Year of the Dragon

Xin nian kuai le!

You have no idea how much yoga it took to get myself fit for that photo. 

Here we are, in the Chinese Year of the Dragon. This means there are a lot of babies born in the last twenty-four days that are claiming to be dragons, which is both incorrect and quite impressive for an infant. Those born in the year of the me will never have the overwhelming craving for gold, or tasty charred human flesh that a true dragon has. But they may share some apparently common characteristics of dragons.

Like being strong, powerful, intuitive and artistic.

Of course, loath as I am to admit it, there are downsides to being a dragon. We are stubborn, ferocious, and terrible at romance...

Whatever our negative points, though, it's better than being an ox. No-one ever said "wow, guys, did you see that film with the really impressive ox in it? Man, I wish ox were real. I would totally get one as a pet. I would have such a deep emotional bond with my ox it would be like it could read my mind!". No-one says that.

I feel a bit sorry for the ox now.

Oh, the unbearable agony

Cold-blooded

As a dragon, I defy the laws of science. Not deliberately, because I've turned over a new leaf since the days of slaughtering, and now I try and avoid so much as a speeding fine because let's be honest, a dragon getting arrested would be a media circus. And then, possibly, a real circus. I saw what you humans did to King Kong. I have no desire to go down that particular route. 

Back to my point. I am, as a giant lizard, cold-blooded. But as a dragon, I spew fire from my mouth at temperatures that would melt your flesh (but leave your suit of silver armour remarkably untouched; it's a very specific temperature). For the most part, I'm self-regulating, like those boilers on an automatic timer, only much easier to use. 

However, it is now January, and I am in England, and it is freezing. Internal thermals can do nothing against the bitter winds of the Midlands. God only knows what it's like in the north. I imagine they've started selling ice blocks to Farmfoods. It's really very cold. 

And no-one seems to take my earmuffs seriously. 

It wouldn't be so bad if it was just chilly. It's the wind. I can hear it howling constantly, and yesterday I saw it blow a bird out of a tree. 

One minute the bird was quietly minding its own business

And the next it was suddenly six inches sideways. 

Time to break out the hot water bottles and start nailing the birds to their perches.